Water Torture

by Graham Sellors 

On a day when the floods further south in Hereford and Worcester were at their worst, I was in Nottingham with my wife. Snatches of conversation we overheard intimated that, even there, things might not be all they should. “What , the whole of NG1? Off? Completely?” Gradually the news seeped through. A notice hurriedly taped to the door in John Lewis`s confirmed it.  “ This toilet is closed due to circumstances beyond our control”. After a train journey where there was “water, water everywhere” we`d arrived in a city centre where there was none. No water, no loos.

According to a shop assistant,  Severn Trent had had a leak.  Well, lucky old Severn Trent, I began to wish I had. Or at least had restricted myself to just one cup of tea at breakfast. I remembered , over half a century ago , my mother telling me to  “ tie a knot in it”. Now it seemed like good advice.  Nottigham  sounded like a description of what lots of men might be trying to do.

The situation became so desperate that I contemplated a quick trip to one of  the Barrister`s Chambers on High Pavement and  a rumour circulated that the water company had adopted  “ They shall not pass” as its motto, with just a vowel changed!

But it takes more than a water crisis to stop a woman bent on buying a new outfit  and I found myself sitting outside yet another fitting room, fantasizing about urinals; totally tiled ones with separate stalls bearing names that had made Britain great; Shires Reverso, Armitage Shanks and Twyfords Adamant!. I did, though, rebel and walk out of one trendy boutique where the piped music was a song by Wet , Wet, Wet.

However sorry I felt for myself I reserved some sympathy for the young women working in Monsoon. How cruel, I thought,  to inflict toiletlessness on  employees giving their all for a brand name that suggests a deluge.

Eventually word came that there was one store where the toilets were still functioning.  A whole city uncrossed its legs and I led the stampede. The relief of Mafeking had nothing on this.

Afterwards , relaxing in empty bladdered bliss, I couldn`t help thinking that the store`s marketing team had missed a trick ; the perfect opportunity  for a sign reading “ Café Revive , where else can you go?” !